Thursday, April 28, 2005

Do not play the accordion above me while I am dying in the abyss.

I should be kept away from the internet when I am in this state of extreme exhaustion. Otherwise I will do things like this:



Barry Fitzgerald will serve you only the finest of beverages! Do not try to sue me Barry. I do not believe in ghosts. When you google yourself and see your picture on my website, you will know that you have finally achieved internet Nirvana (wherein you basically just stare at porn pop ups).

Also, please notify the police that the following item was stolen from my house:



Holy freaking bastardization did that ever look soporific in my kitchen.

Yeah, okay, so you did me a favor. My grandma bought that for me on the day I first suffered a multiple bone fracture. She is basically a complete sadist. She was so happy that day that she almost tried to give me drugs, but then my dad ran her out of the house with a rusty shovel. Basically this is the story of my childhood. P.S. My mom did not perish in a household fire. She is alive and well.

This is a chapter from my book:

Chapter 1

there was this man and he was from a place that was really far away it was so far away that if you tried to walk there you would have to walk for several hours to arrive there the man had a bugle and he blew it at everyone because he was a jerk geez what the em eff is wrong with the common folk nowadays it is like people are born crazy like a loon like some batty old crone

We will discuss publishing options at your convenience, Random House. Do not try to censor my work.

Actual line typed by one of our product reps in a letter to a customer:

"I appolige for any miss conception"

I am actually slamming my face into my desk repeatedly as I post this.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Legion

Pyotr stared intently in to the sea of faces below, scanning the crowd for the one he knew must come. Though no official mention had been made to the commoners, the press had begun arriving in waves earlier that morning, and it was not long before the people began filing in to the streets to see what was going on. In the middle of the square now stood a large wooden platform bearing only the flag of the Koyudom Army and a small podium at its center.

Pyotr knew that the reason for the lack of notice was to decrease the chances of an organized attack. The media would leak word of the conference like a sieve given time, but certainly Lyon had waited to notify them until shortly before his thugs had begun setting up the platform in the hours just before dawn. Lyon could rest assured that that the informants and spies lurking amongst the major media outlets would be unable to notify the Rebellion in time for any sort of decisive action. Lyon was a thorough man, and it was what had kept him alive thus far. He had cleverly selected to stage his event in a neighborhood that contained almost no Rebellion presence; whatever his sources, his intel was precise. Surely there would be scattered Rebels on the outskirts of the affair, but Lyon's secret police would put them down quickly and quietly.

The most distressing thing was that both the Rebellion and Lyon knew that soon he would be too powerful to be attacked in this manner. His army had already grown tenfold, and would expand again soon if he completed his campaigns in the west and north. Before long, the Rebellion would become powerless to oppose the Koyudom. The Rebellion would be only eyes and ears then.

And so today came Lyon to announce his power to the public. Before millions, he would lay his claim to everything he desired. He was confident that he had established Koyudom as a new superpower. There were even rumors that he had his sights set on China for his next campaign. If so, he would have it. Lyon seemed nigh unto invincible.

Unfortunately for Lyon, Pyotr had been tracking his every move for days. The Rebellion could not risk shadowing Lyon with a unit, as Lyon's scouts were too skilled to be bypassed by more than a single man. And no one was going to track Lyon alone. It was a guaranteed suicide mission. But Pyotr's flame was fueled by vengeance, burning bright, and he cared little for his own life. He had moved with the grace of a spirit through shadow, and fought like something not of this world. He had killed enough soldiers in the last 72 hours to fill the square below with the dead. With blade and bullet, he had cut his way through each man who would betray his presence. He was a ghost. He was a demon.

He had stealthily dispatched eleven of the men sent to scan the area before the conference. One had been left alive to call in the all clear signal at the appropriate times, but his usefulness was waning as it became apparent that Lyon's arrival on the scene was imminent. Pyotr closed his eyes and breathed deep of the crisp, cool autumn air. It was time to prepare. Today Lyon would die.

After he had dealt with the remaining sentry, Pyotr extracted the briefcase from the air duct where he had placed it several hours before. The rifle went together smoothly, with little effort. He had run through the exact sequence of movements required of him on this day so many times that he became almost entranced now. He loaded one bullet into the chamber. It was all he would need.

From somewhere that seemed lightyears away, raucous applause broke out. Pyotr's eyes drifted to the square. The man called Lyon strode confidently across the platform and took his place at the podium. He raised one fist to the sky and flashed an unfailing smile at the crowd, a gesture that had become all too familiar to those who had opposed him in the past. Lyon smiled only when he had conquered, only when the thrill of victory was his. Pyotr swore now, under his breath, that he would never smile again. His fingers gripped the cold steel of his weapon with a force that would break bone.

As Lyon motioned for the crowd to quiet, Pyotr rested his rifle comfortably against his shoulder. He prayed silently for a steady hand. In the square, on his platform, Lyon spoke in carefully practiced, slow and deliberate English. Pyotr listened for only a moment. The scope met his eye. The crosshair met the podium. With the press of a button, he was close up and personal with Lyon. In the scope, he was face to face with the man he hated. He inhaled sharply. From somewhere inside of him, the anger clawed upwards, into his heart, and threatened to drown him. He pushed it down with the same strength of will that had brought him this far. On this day, he must be cold. He must be precise.

The wind carried the sound of the bells from a nearby church, ringing sorrowfully in the distance.

Into the warming air, as the sun rose over the city, as Lyon paused in his speech, a whisper broke the wall of silence around Pyotr.

"For my sister."

"For Sara."

A bullet pierced Lyon's heart.

For a moment, the world seemed to stop. The crowd still stared attentively, the soldiers on the platform maintained their stance, and Lyon still stood tall and proud. Pyotr closed his eyes. From below, gasps and screams filled the square.

He opened his eyes.

Lyon still stood.

Through his scope, in a panic, Pyotr surveyed the platform below. In his crosshair, Lyon grimaced, shook visibly, and stood tall again as if little had occurred outside of the norm.
Lyon looked directly at Pyotr, into his heart and his soul, turning everything inside of him to fire, igniting the wrath that lay dormant there.

Lyon smiled at him.

Pyotr recoiled in horror. It was not possible. He knew the bullet had sailed true. It had reached its destination. Lyon could not know he was here, and even so, how could he survive such a wound? Pyotr began to tremble and cried out in rage as he slammed another bullet into the chamber.

He raised his rifle. And fired.

Another bullet in the chamber.

He fired again.

The crowd below stood in mute shock at the bizarre spectacle unfolding before them. Here stood Lyon the Mighty, taking gunshots as though they were pinpricks. And not one of his soldiers moved from where they stood. It was silent for a long time before Pyotr ran out of ammunition. Even in his anger, each bullet had struck home. More than fifty had made contact with the hated thing called Lyon, but none had accomplished what Pyotr had come for. He turned and threw down his rifle in disgust. Tears of frustration streamed down his face. Lyon stepped again to the podium, tall and proud. Pyotr could do nothing but watch.

"On this day, let the world know that God Himself has mandated my rule! No mortal man can harm this shell that carries me! No weapon will cease this life! Let those who stand before my armies tremble and wail! And from this hour when I make my demands known, let the world of man cower before the birth of its new savior! From now until eternity, I am the one who will shape the lives you lead! And you will know me as Legion!"

On this last word, Lyon's voice seemed to become amplified to a volume that was nearly unbearable. Pyotr grasped his head in his hands as buildings and walls all around the platform shook from the force of it. People turned and ran in a panic. Many screamed as they were trampled. The soldiers stepped to the front of the platform to begin taking control of the crowd. And then, very suddenly, Lyon was gone.

The crowd was too involved in its hysteria to notice, but Pyotr saw it all clearly from his vantage point above. Lyon had simply disappeared. Several of the soldiers standing near him noticed but did not seem surprised. Whether by illusion or magic, he did not know, but Lyon had simply vanished into thin air.

Pyotr stood, staring downward. Everything inside him was twisted and strange. He could take only shallow breaths, clenching his teeth and his fists. His vision blurred red.

He had failed. And something had gone horribly, horribly wrong.

The above work is copyrighted by R Ryan Davies 2005.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

There is nothing quite like mahogany?

I got this idea from Santa Claus that we should have a new holiday in June called Halfway to Christmas!!! where we could all buy each other even more useless crap that is just going to end up collecting dust in the farthest possible reaches of our least used closets. Also, HtC would have its own mascot: Rock n' Roll Jesus. Here's a song off of his debut album, C'Mon Dude Heaven Is Awesome:

(excerpt from "Just Look At My Beard And You'll Know")

Because it's halfway to my b-day, mothers
So put your speedo on and rock the beach for God
Maybe just kneel down a little
Then go buy some crap for your kids
Spread the love and peace all up ins now
And kick the party for your Lord and Savior
And if you start to doubt me, baby
Just look at my beard and you'll know...
Heaven is awesome

I said it's halfway to Christmas now, chickens!!!

*insane fifteen minute long guitar solo*

Check One 2

So what if it's only Two's Day. I ain't buggin'.

Somebody decided to put up a sign on the breakroom refrigerator yesterday that reads, "DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING THAT IS NOT YOURS!!!!!!" So I decided that while we're dishing out PSAs for the criminally stupid, I would add a few of my own. Now, underneath the first sign are several other signs that go something like this:

"DO NOT MAUL YOUR CO-WORKERS WITH A WRENCH!!!!!!"
"DO NOT PUNCH YOUR TODDLER IN THE FACE BECAUSE YOU HATE YOUR BOSS!!!!!"
"DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BREATHE UNDERWATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"DO NOT HANG UP ON CUSTOMERS WHO REFUSE TO ADDRESS YOU AS GOD MAN!!!!!!"
"DO NOT LIGHT YOURSELF ON FIRE WITH A BLOWTORCH!!!!!!!"
"DO NOT BRING IN YOUR COLLECTION OF DEAD PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!"
"DO NOT TELL THE CEO THAT HE LOOKS LIKE MARTHA STEWART!!!!!!!!!"
"DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PERFORM CPR ON YOURSELF!!!!!"
"DO NOT EAT YOUR WEIGHT IN MASHED POTATOES!!!!!!!!!!"
"DO NOT BATHE IN HYDROCHOLORIC ACID!!!!!!!"
"DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BLOW UP GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS!!!!!!!!!"
"DO NOT HIT ON YOUR WIFE'S MOTHER!!!!!!!"
"DO NOT FEED RAT POISON TO PEOPLE!!!!"
"DO NOT STRAP YOURSELF TO AN AIRPLANE JUST BEFORE IT LIFTS OFF!!!!!"
"DO NOT JUMP OFF OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING!!!!!!"

The VP of the department was so pissed when he saw my signs that he actually tore all of them down and turned all red and stuff. So after he left, I put up another one that says, "DO NOT TURN MAROON WHEN YOU ARE CRYING LIKE A WOMAN!!!!!!!!"

So far it's still up. Three and a half cheers for insubordination!

Monday, April 25, 2005

That McDonald's salad commercial makes me want to punch myself in the throat.

I am not joking.

24 is the best show EVER!!!!!!!!! You do not eff around with Chloe. Chloe works with computers, and if you piss her off, Chloe will cap you twenty-nine times in the face and chest with an assault rifle. Previews for next week: OMG!!! I had seventeen aneurysms, a seizure, and a three month long coma from the waves of awesomeness flowing out of my television set!!! Terrorists in the way? Jack kills 'em. Mao Tse Tsung in the way? Jack kills 'im! My brain is melting!!! Hand me my kazoo!!!

BIG WRITING tiny writing Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Sorry guys. I really need some sleep.

P.S. There were probably some spoilers up there. Kay? And yes, I did write that all in roughly two minutes.

And I will write you a song and it will be called A Picture Of Me Screaming At The Top Of My Lungs.

One thing that is going on here is that I am incredibly tired.

This weekend was mostly about driving. And then there would be a stop at a convenience store to obtain some gasoline. And then more driving. Then more gasoline. Driving. Gasoline. Vrroom. Wssshh (sound of gasoline going through the little hose and into my car). At one point, there were actually children. That part was nice. Then more driving. And gasoline. I have pictures that I might consider posting tonight. In some of the pictures the children were riding such as Shetland ponies at a sort of street fair down along things.

Another thing that happened that is AWESOME (!!!) is that my long, lost friend Joseph has returned from a state that has asked to remain anonymous. He is home now and oh, how verily do we rejoice at his relocation to our proximity. The fact that good Sir Joseph has returned is incomprehensibly awesome for the following reasons:

  • Joe is the missing link in my band hopefulness. His return also ushers in a Resurrection of Rock, wherein we make screechy guitar noises and slide our picks all over like frigging Jiminy Christmas. We will have all of the most awesome experimental rock in our repertoire, including one song where the mighty Jo-sef speaks the names of several different aquarian animals and ways in which he would like to see them cooked, and another masterpiece wherein the guitar solo is played using only one of those rubber mallets with which the doctor hits your knee for no good reason (reflexes blah blah). In another song we will record the sound of our various joints popping and this will be played in the background along with the sounds of our voices saying words like "shelf" and "mustard" at a very high pitch. This is the beginning of an era of Rock which will span several decades of us making strange noises into audio receiving devices. I cannot. WAIT!!!
  • Joseph and I share a passion for writing of all kinds, be it lyrical, prose, screenplay, grafitti, inkblot, random scribbling, etc. What this means is that our book is going to be awesome and hated by everyone except us. Send us nine American dollars to preorder your copy of "Marty's 25%-off Dunce Cap Emporium and the Scourge of the Peruvian Homeowners (or Why America Is Like A Big Dead Whale With A Deformed Blowhole And Also Some Heart Disease)."
  • Joe is a funny guy.

Ladies, Joe is currently single and if you would like to solicit sexual acts from him you may call him at the following number: 1-800-I-AM-JUST-KIDDING-LIKE-I-WOULD-REALLY-POST-HIS-PHONE-NUMBER-ON-THE-INTERNET-WHERE-JUST-ANYONE-COULD-SEE-IT-AND-TRACK-HIM-DOWN-AND-STAB-HIS-FACE-OFF

I'm sure Joseph will inform me if I've left out anything of import.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

The trip odometer reads 1078.2

My whole world and everything I know is my foot on the pedal and my eyes on the road.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Do not believe the elephant, for he is a liar.

I am leaving shortly for the Kan Tuck Ee experience. Everybody be safe and have a great weekend and please do not salt my pet slugs while I am gone. I know that they are ugly but they are dear to my heart and I will not stand for your lack of compassion. Another thing I will be checking when I get back is my bed. Do not use my bed to have a one night stand with a Norwegian immigrant. Thank you.

P.S. I am not going to drive an airplane! HAHA

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Bye bye, beautiful

My coworker is about to become a recurring character on this blog because if he does not shut up I am going to lock him in my nonexistent basement and we will have daily updates on his condition, i.e., April 25: Today there was some screaming and crying and then he reluctantly ate the moldy banana nut muffin I slipped under the door.

I am serious, this guy is driving me nuts.

April 29: Today he wrote me a poem about the Basement Fairies. I think he is going crazy. There are no Basement Fairies in my basement.

May 6: We took him to McDonald's and he ordered many large fries.

This is a delicious pear!!!

Today is like what would happen if incredibly tired and incredibly bored did it.

Minneapolis Minnesota Minneapolis Minnesota Minneapolis Minnesota Minneapolis Minnesota

What I do not understand is who gave everyone this stupid brain disease and then told them to call me at work with their questions. Is it unfair and if I find out who did it I will make a collage of pictures that I have drawn of me giving you noogies and I will put it up on my bedroom wall so that I can always remember how much I dislike you.

Here's a story that I wrote for you today:

Once there was this guy and he edited one of his blog entries. That was stupid. Don't ever do that. THE END

Another part of the story is that the guy is an alcoholic and raises chickens on a farm. Also, the guy once had a son but he died in a terrible car accident. His son was an All-World Basketball Champion and he was a role model for sports children everywhere until he flew through his windshield and traveled six miles through the air before finally landing in a small clearing that unfortunately just happened to be crawling with starving alligators at that exact moment. Another horrible occurence in this man's life is the time that he was given a briefcase that contained four million dollars for a terrible deed that he had performed so that his family would always be financially stable. But unfortunately he got onto a plane and the briefcase was lost and never recovered due to an error in which it was shipped to some dude's home and then that dude disappeared a short time later. So in effect he had just murdered nine innocent folks for free.

I guess that changes the story a little. Whatever.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

This is one for the coin-flippers

I am having one of these days that makes other days seem full of cheer and happiness even if those other days were in fact really stupidlike and not enjoyable. Today sucks. If anyone is skilled in the fine art of kicking me in the brain stem until I fall into a deep coma, you may commence the kickery at once. Another item of note is that if you mumble something under your breath at me today I am going to smash your mind in with a ball of yarn that some kittens would enjoy utilizing.

  • One movie that is really quite awesome is Equilibrium. This man, see, he has these pistols, and he can do very lovely things with them. Like shoot over 1,000 folks in just over 93 milliseconds. If you like movies that are well-made and well-acted and underrated and have gun battle scenes that actually make you pee a little with excitement, you should barter with your neighbor until he or she agrees to swap ownership of your automobile for his/her copy of this movie. Yes, your neighbor owns it. EVERYONE owns this movie because it is incredible (except for like eight people in the whole universe). As an added bonus, this movie is Jesus-approved and will earn you 30 Salvation points. Do not turn in a false claim, though. You will be smited with holy retribution repeatedly as you are forced to recite the Ten Commandments for several hours in a row. (Also, do not ever try to rob your local pharmacy. That makes Jesus hell of pissed!!!)
  • The recover post feature rocks my socks.
  • What do you get when you fall in love? Elvis Costello would like you to know that you get a guy/girl with a pin to burst your bubble (depending on your preference). Why is Elvis Costello such a damn genius, anyways.
Today is one of those days in which I am going to dig myself a small hole in the dirt and mud and construct The Great Wall of Shut The Hell Up around myself. It is not visible from space.

The king is going to be wicked pissed off.

There's nothing more fun-filled than a monkey standing on a card table holding a half-eaten week-old doughnut in one hand and a large grab bag of assorted 1983 memorabilia in the other. Included in this scenario is the fact that the monkey is possessed by the soul of Kurt Cobain.

Ching Chong Wing Wong

In case you were wondering, one thing that you should never do is to click the "Next Blog" Button in the upper right corner of this window. You are invariably going to be led to a blog written by an aging Chinese ad executive or containing a large cartoon drawing of male genitalia. I keep hoping that sooner or later I'm going to happen on another normal human being just by chance. Alas, it appears that we ordinary Blogger members are doomed to wander aimlessly through a sea of strange Asian artifacts and oddly shaped pee pees.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

This entry has been brought to you by the number 8 and the letters P, U, N, C, H, E, and S.

This is the week that Anwar finally revealed his true identity as the Giant, Flaming Homo Overlord. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

There is no need to scream at me, ma'am. Here is your baby.

Just wanted to let everyone know that I posted some shnaz from my old webdiary back in the March section of the blog. Please do everything in your power to avoid those entries, as they've been known to cause vomiting and sickle cell anemia.

Today's horoscope: You will be mauled by diseased jackrabbits.

And the sheep and the lion will lie together and they will create a baby and it will be known as a shlion.

DISCLAIMER: This post is not going to be in any way coherent. Ah thank you.

I have some things that need to get up off of my chest today and dammit it if you folks aren't going to take the brunt of it!

*brunt*

Haha! And such.

Anyways, I'm in this strange mood where I am equal parts tired and flustered and frustrated and mildly amused and anxious and bleeding profusely, a.k.a. schizophren ee uh. Here's something that pisses me off: if you are my coworker, do not come up with a "project" you would like for me to do. Seriously. What in the dogg is freaking up with that my friends? He comes over all, "So here's something you could do." While he's busily doing mostly a whole lot of browsing the internet and such as emailing his wife. What is up with that, you wet wick. You are worse than a whore who raises all of her female children to also be whores. You do not decide what I am doing at this moment or ever. The next time this seems like a good idea to you then you should know that the business end of my ballpoint pen is going to become acquainted with your earhole. And I do not mean that in a kind way. Basically I am threatening to permanently deafen you. Then you will not be so smart and punky with me and I will spend most of my work days just laughing at you and shouting into your stupid dead ear. Another thing that might happen is I could go all Jack Bauer on you and just quit this stupid, worthless job and all wait in the parking lot to break your fingers. I bet you would not give any more coworkers assignments that you have designed for them because everyone hates you. I think that if everyone on the planet voted on how much they liked you, you would be really depressed because the results would come back and you would know that like 114% of the world hates your face right off. Even babies hate you. P.S. I am not doing your project. So why don't you take your little legal pad back and stick it in your eyeball. Another thing that is funny is that you are standing behind me while I'm writing most of this and you're too damn stupid to figure out what is going on.

I have to go for now because it's almost 5:00 and I'm getting the flock out this bizznaitch. As you can tell, my work ethic is nigh unto effing legendary.

Closing note: Jade Empire? INCREDIBILIA!!!

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Another thing that I just thought of is the following:

If you are one of these poor, misguided chaps who does not have the internet available in the comfort of his home then you should literally take a trip to the libary and use something that I believe is known as the public internet and you should use this time to browse my website and perhaps offer to donate me your spare change through a program which is literally known as PayPal.

Necesito matar para bebidas!!!

Three exclamation points is exactly the right amount of exclamation points. It lets everybody know that you are totally McWigging up in this bee-yai-yitchy without making them think that you are just one of those dudes who is rolling it out on the fly, all phoning it in like !!!!!!!!!!!!!! just holding down the button all wicked-like, and inside of your skull your brain is making that sound like a telephone that is off the hook. Booooooooop. Today is like one of the best days this year, and I would like to explain why to you. Really I would. And so I will. List of things that are bastarding awesome about today:
1) Saturday. Which only happens like 5o and two times a year or something.
2) Do you really not understand what is awesome about this? Eunuchs!
3) The weather. IS EQUAL TO BEAUTIFUL!!!
4) There is a new computer in my home and it is built like a fricking time machine all wires hanging out the mothereff of it and just totally schooling that data like you know it should. It informs the data and circuitry that it is now my hooker and will be in my employ for quite some time.
6) I am like 100% well. No more sickness. Can. You. BELIEVE. It? It is so awesome that this morning I took like a celebratory seven showers. That is part of one of roughly twelve-and-a-half very personal rituals that I have developed involving personal hygiene. Another one is that I like to wash my hands at least four hundred and thirty three times a day and also you should not touch anything ever because every last bit of it is germ-infested, my God!!!
7) I am telling you that basically this day has been sent to me by Jesus, who loves me, and this I know due to a certain passage which is written in The Bible. (No I will not tell you what passage so that you can remove it from The Bible, you are a heretic.)
8) I have forgotten to mention to you that you are so loving living the life today. Go out and get to it right now.

If you were to leave your house right now and ride your tandem bike to the gun store and illegally buy a handgun that is modified to blow a hole the size of some oxen in the side of a barn, and if you were to bring that gun to my abode and shoot a big hole through all of the things I own including my own personal self right now, I would not be fazed because that is just how awesome this day is today at this exact moment literally. You could step on a puppy right in front of me and I would not cry, because even though you are totally ugly in your heart and cruel and hated by millions, you will pay in hell-fiah at a later date and also that puppy is going to a better place, a.k.a. possibly Hawaii or even the Bahamas.

Songs I listened to this morning (beginning with the most recent):
For Me This Is Heaven by Jimmy Eat World
Find Comfort in Yourself by Midtown
Consumed by Laziness by Hot Rod Circuit
Roulette Dares (The Haunt of) by The Mars Volta
Meanwhile, Rick James... by Cake
On Your Wings by Iron & Wine
Somewhere on Fullerton by Allister
Stranded by Alien Ant Farm
Follow Me by Rufio
Night Nurse by Britta Phillips & Dean Wareham
The Wrong Way by TV On The Radio
One Big Holiday by My Morning Jacket
Quiver by Theory of a Deadman
Al the Killer by Coheed & Cambria
Nobody Girl by Ryan Adams
For Those by Tindersticks
Turncoat by Anti-Flag
Lightness by Death Cab for Cutie
Daylight by Coldplay
Long Goodnight by The Get-Up Kids
See You by Foo Fighters
Farewell Ride by Beck

P.S. Why in the dang does Launchcast think I like Scorpions so much. HINT: I am not a huge Scorpions fan.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Y'all get up out my airspace or I be swingin'.

I am now posting an entry to the blog.

This is a blog entry! About things. Things that are important. These things could change your life. Like maybe in a positive way. Or maybe not. Maybe you could end up with Downs syndrome or a melanoma or something. That would be bad. And bad things are totally uncool.

Here's something I was thinking about. Other people have blogs. Other people write interesting stuff in their blogs like what is happening up in their own life and such as their trials and tribulations and other assorted things worth viewing. I, on the other hand, post semi-lucid drivel that appears to have been written by an eight year old mental patient who is chained to a wall and stapled to a monkey (plus they have attached the mouse to his hand so he will not steal it because he is insane!!! [and it is common knowledge that insane people are constantly stealing computer equipment]). Like, dude. That whole thing about the Easter Bunny? Whoa. I think I was possessed by the spirits of four dead high schoolers or something. That was freaky. Oh, P.S. I have tons of pictures I need to post but I have this and that and these and those all going on at once right now so it's just going to have to wait and please stop sending me emails about the pictures, okay, grandma (and also I did not appreciate the e-card you sent me that was full of expletives and I know it was you that slipped that big drawing of a me getting hit by a bus underneath my door last week)? Another thing, weekly Monday guitar tabs bit it this week (let's face it we all knew it was going to happen), so I'll be dealing with that shortly. In other news, I am considering drilling a small hole in my skull to release the pressure building up therein. And babies rock so let's all have those. If you can't have one just go buy one from some lady who is desperate for a fix and cannot afford that baby anyway, kind sir. Or you could just run into the nursery and grab one and run, screaming things such as, "HAHAHAHAHA!!!" or, "Finders keepers!!!" That would be fun until everyone took it the wrong way and did not realize it was a joke. You could even get shot by the authorities. The authorities are ruthless in tracking down baby farmers. So maybe just wear a shirt that says on the back "Dear Security Guard/Policeman, it is okay dude I am just playing with you," so that they will know it is cool when they're chasing you and then you sneakily make your getaway. Just make sure you take off that shirt or they'll find you for sure. No, I will not sell you one of those shirts, that is against the law. DISCLAIMER: You cannot sue me if you try to steal a baby we all know I was joking. Do not use your one phone call to assault me verbally or I will be forced to go all Newton's Third on you and block your number and your incoming IMs, etc (I'm serious, Mark, leave me alone I will get a restraining order against you and then you are mad effed P.S. if you ever want to see your high dollar stereo equipment again you will shut your mouth about me). Also I will not be a witness in your case for fifty dollars and try to clear you that is just ridiculous so don't even think about it (because the minimum I would accept is seventy five). Another thing that I think all of us have realized by now is that Regis Philbin is such an awesome dude.

Guitar Tab of the Week: Jaws Theme Swimming by Brand New

Friday, April 08, 2005

Tipsy Doodle

I drank beer at this place down along things! Dang, y'all, I haven't done that in like...eight or nine months or whatnot. I'm all with the headswimmy and the happyjoy. Man, I just love you guys. I just wanna get up along the edge of it and act all large.

P.S. Di, you're such a rock star. I'm like clapping two pieces of coal against my forehead and you're all taking them away and lighting them and boiling some soup.

P.S. (again) Davis says you guys owe him some cash now.

Blogger exploded a little.

Okay, so, apparently there was some kind of five alarm disaster at blogger.com last night. I hit the Publish Post button and like exactly three moments later the website went all kinky-fied on me. This entry that I had written that was just full to the brim with mind-boggling incredibility and sweetness was like all Houdini-style up ins. I'm like, "This is f. up." Fortunately for you, dear reader, I was all Janet Reno on that crap.

Peace mothafreak I'm out.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

I am like, "Hello, Nancy." Get your boots off my desk.

I have spiky hair today. Awesome.

I'm having this problem. Okay. The problem is such as schizophrenia and general malaise. This problem is caused by at least four of the following...um. Causes.

1) Lack of S-L-E-E-P (shh, my brain doesn't know I'm talking about it when I spell things, it's too tired for any of that. PS if it hears me talking about sl...er. S-L-E-E-P, it'll stroke out. It gave me a warning seizure earlier today in the break room. Note to co-worker: your wallet is hardcore eelskin. Not scrumptious.)
2) Pills. Lots of legal narcotics all over the place and everywhere you can think of. Piles and piles of them. List of drugs I've taken in the past week in no particular order whatsoever (add TMs and the like where necessary): Tylenol, Advil, Motrin, generic-brand (generic rhymes with hysteric...al laughter. Or something. HAHAHAHAHA) ibuprofen, Advil Cold & Sinus, more generic (HAHAHAooookay I'll stop) "Severe Cold & Flu" medicine a.k.a. basically just crack cocaine in pill form, DayQuil (who're you again? My mother? Now that sounds like something I would remember! *coma*), NyQuil, and Aleve Cold & Sinus. Seriously. #2 is directly related to the number that follows it, which in my condition could come out as 5.9 or one of those alphabet letters that I find so very fascinating, so bear with me here.
3)Sicky sick. Sick sick sick, I tell you. Sick. SICK! Symptoms? Yes. I've had those. All of them. Even? Yes. That too. Spontaneously appearing, interleaving (I don't even know what this word means), disappearing, spinning in circles and/or playing hopscotch, possibly signing contracts to publish a graphic novel of their experiences in my body (Symptom City), totally randomly and even also sporadically, if you can imagine that. Headaches, throats of all three varieties (sore, itchy, swelled-up-ish), sinus catastrophes, cough delivered personally to my respiratory system by an agent of Satan, stomach unhappiness, achiness, fatigue, etc ad infinitum. I do not have the plague. I do not have the plague. I have the plague's older brother who's married to ebola and having an affair with SARS. Let the demons leave this child, Lord. Cleanse him of the darkness and fill him with health-ishness! PS Santa = Satan take away your children's evil video games. Now! Lock them in the basement! It's the only place they're safe! The goth teenagers are watching you. Look away! Look away!
4)Um...kittens. (this is either a long story or I ran out of ideas [I'll let you decide])






So anyways. You guys have fun and don't leave the house without your specially-fitted swimwear.

Monday, April 04, 2005

My head exploded a little.

It has been crazy lately what with the kids all over, the birthday parties everywhere, the deathly illness and whatnot, etc. Bear with me, my peeps. I'll be back with photo hypnotica before you can say "robot overlord."

Guitar Tab of the Week: Faint of Hearts by Coheed and Cambria

I'll link to that right after they rewire my cortex.

Update: Cortex rewired! Link linked!