Nine funny things about human beings.

I have invented the following fables which you will read with much speed:

Fable one.

Two men are walking along a sidewalk when suddenly one of them trips on an old, misshapen breadbasket. The man who trips falls face first into a barbed wire fence and is immediately blinded. The man who does not trip kicks the breadbasket so hard that he breaks his left leg and then proceeds to dance one-legged into heavy traffic, where he is hit and killed almost immediately by a diabetic woman driving a late '80s model Volvo. His body flies through the air and hits the other man who has just pulled himself off of the barbed wire fence, knocking him back into the fence where he is for all intents and purposes castrated.

Moral: YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY PAY YOUR BILL COLLECTORS IN UNMARKED TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS.


Fay bull two.

A woman is holding a list on which she has written things which she will need to purchase at her local supermarket. Also scrawled on the piece of paper which contains the list is a picture of an extremely small human being and a dog with horns and tentacles. When the woman sees this drawing, she smiles and throws herself out of the window of her seventy-third story apartment. She lands on the oldest woman in the entire world who is on her way to celebrate her 115th birthday.

Moral: QUESTION MARK UPSIDE DOWN EXCLAMATION POINT PITUITARY GLAND


Fable count of THREEN!!!

There is a goldfish who walks into a bar and sits on a barstool. The bartender says, "You are a goldfish. How is it that you can walk as a human does? This seems impossible." The goldfish replies, "I am not a goldfish. I am your cousin Jesus, thrice removed. If you ask politely I will sell you my burro."

Moral: This is clearly more of a joke than a fable.


I am not to be trifled with! You can ask my friend!

Word to your bird straight Peaches n' Herb.

I have officially fallen off the face of the earth.

On the way out I collided with Mercury and then ricocheted all the way back out to the vicinity of Neptune or something. Man, I do not know how to spell ricocheted. That is bunk. So listen, everyone, I just would like for all people to know that I miss you tons and hopefully I will get to drop most of you a line sooner as opposed to the opposite of sooner which is well known to be later. P.S. Is Frishy back yet? I miss him double. Coheed is my old/new inspiration to rock your face, which with the help of my good friend Jophinius I will hopefully be doing quite soon. We have written one song which will simply be called Doctor & Lawyer Theme Song that is like mindblowing with its amazingness. The lyrics go:
Doctor and lawyer
Talkin' to each other
Today I killed a patient
Theme song!
Doctor and lawyer
Talkin' to each other
Today I freed a killer
Theme song!
Haha, I am so kidding you about that. But yes we did make up that song at work yesterday and I think it has real potential. I am still trying to explain to Joe that it was an accident when I hit him between the eyes with a golf ball sized rock. Sometimes when you are exhausted under the blazing heat, you do not think, you just throw. He is good about listening to reason and he said that he will consider that it might have been an accident when he is done punching me in the arm until it breaks. Also, I think that maybe he has a rock magnet in his face and he just does not know about it because his father works for the Jewish mafia. It is well known that the Jewish mafia will leave a rock magnet in you for quite some time without your knowledge. Also they will bash your face side into a lit menorah and in the empty temple no one will hear your screams as you are assaulted by a vicious Rabbi-impersonator with large hands and feet.

Do not cross the Jewish mafia.

Celerity now!!!

Hope everybody's doing okay out there. IF NOT THEN THAT IS SOME CRAP.

Ryan Reynolds sez: "Step off this."

Follow the red arrow to the weird E page.

Zork is being overrun by such as bandits with large bits of weaponry!

One thing that is not funny is being hit with a club that is improvised from basically a large piece of driftwood. If you are hit in the head with this club you will say many cuss words and maybe you will be shipped on a White Person Slave boat to China, where the white person is hated something fierce. Also on this boat is Richard Lewis and a large vat of cocktail sauce.

Sweet mother of bloodhound!!!

See, it has been a goodly long time since I sat down and wrote some bidness that made you folks realize just how wonky my sad blasted little brain is. So now that I am among America's fine unemployed forces, I thought that I would spend a little time giving you the what for on the five dollar fiction.

First on the agenda is that rap music is hell of popular right now. It is basically rock vs. rap in a battle for what is going to be the new mass-produced junky crap. Sometimes you have folks come out such as Limp Bizkit wherein Fred Durst is the stupidest man that has ever lived in the history of the world and also they try to sort of straddle the line there on the rap/rock. Mostly this fails horribly and it usually sounds like if you were just kicking a cow in the udders all day and the sound it would make when you were finished. How about if we just make things either rap or rock and if we could try to do one or the other in a sort of talented fashion?

Speaking of Finnished there are some great bands out of Sweden and the like right now up to and including The Hives and The Mumps and The Measles and The Shingles and The Herpes and The God Awful Flesh Melting Ebolas, I am not including the more well known Swedish garage rock bands such as Please Shut Up You Bricklaying Quadriped Whores or Why Won't Someone Please Tell You All As A Country That You Are Talentless And Just Awful. The latter is one of my personal faves. There is one Swedish band that I really do enjoy, however, and that is Blindside. Blindside is awesome because they rock. They are also space aliens and listening to their music will warp your mind, just like Toto (let's face it that band is whacked). So now perhaps you understand why I am like the Kool-Aid guy wherein I bust through your wall and insist that you drink of me.

Something else that I've been trying very hard to raise awareness of is this new disease that people are acquiring that has the following symptoms:
1) Rich (basically I'm saying that you are a wealthy individual)
2) Pretty much you're a complete ass-eyed crotchivore
This is an awful condition and I'm pretty sure we can weed it out by just selectively punching some people in their teeth and eyeballs. Also you could serve them some raw calamari which they would then vomit everywhere, causing them to lose their social status and become that old homeless bumlipped sad-factory that is always begging you for change at the bus station. Just slap his fingerless-gloved hand away and tell him, "Not today, Maximillian Buttersworthington!!!" Maybe you could just give him a quarter every once in a while, I guess.

I wish I could spend more time rolling in lots of Kentucky bluegrass (obviously I would wear my eyeglasses).

I am tired, not anemic. Send me penicillin and I will cradle its warmth.

There are only four adults in the world who have not had an orgasm. Wait. One of them died.

Don't have seven babies with your next door neighbor whose name you are unsure of.

One of the most important things of all time is stodgiest.

I have a puppy and his name is Whey. Curds died of canine malaria (which probably does not exist).

If I had a million dollars, I would have people line up to come into my bedroom with pleas for money, and when they came in, I would invariably force them to sit and listen to Meatloaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" while I stare at them. They would then be asked to leave. People would be allowed to come back if they wanted to.

I heard that Mr. Ed was really a zebra and that he could do white magic such as healing your terrible cold sores.

somethinghasgoneterriblywronghereplease call my doctor
(he will be the one dressed in naked and holding ninety-three paintbrushes)