The new "IN" list.

You will have a party and invite all of your friends.
You will serve chilled beverages including such as Ketel One.
You will release doves into the open night air when everyone least expects it.
You will take umbrage with anyone whose garb offends your delicate sense of style.
You will wear a Winnie the Pooh costume and smoke hundreds of cigarettes in a maniacal fashion, with greatly exaggerated movements.
At the stroke of 11:43, you will gather your guests in a tiny, well-lit room where everyone is forced to crowd together very closely, and you will announce the following through a shiny new PA system:

- Diagonal is the new sideways. This instantly renders obsolete the recently released motion picture. Anyone caught watching said motion picture will be beaten with a sock. This sock will be known to contain at least 205 quarters and possibly a small brick.

- Prague is the new Paris. As such, Paris Hilton is officially no longer popular and will die in a tragic "accident" involving a Jack Russell Terrier and six pounds of cabbage. Anyone in this room who is known to have planned a trip to France will be politely asked to cancel. Immediately. Also, due to this change, sickly-looking is the new unshaven.

- Saying "______ is the new ______" is the new "hot or not." This should be self-explanatory and anyone who is having trouble understanding this should take a coat hanger and just go bend it into silly little shapes or something.

- Top-shelf sake is the new martini. Anyone drinking top-shelf sake becomes instantly hot and should be slept with immediately barring blood relation and/or court orders. People seen to be openly drinking martinis are probably diseased and should be avoided at all costs. Martinis are the new drink of the impoverished and underfed.

- Green-ish blue is the new blue-ish black. Bruises are expected to conform to this new fashion as well. Use makeup as necessary to correct any violations to this rule. Blue-ish black decorative items and clothing should be burned and discarded as quickly as possible.

- Dead is the new popular. Suicides are still unfashionable unless explosives or personal sacrifice are directly involved. Faked deaths are completely unacceptable and anyone found to be alive after "dying" will have vampirism forced on them to ensure that they are eternally out of style.

- Ugly and messy are the new attractive. Bonus points are awarded for infrequent bathing and long, unkempt hair. Clothes that feature at least one stain will increase in value by about 200%, and people wearing anything crisp and new will be labeled "prudes" and teased incessantly. Weight gain and poor application of makeup and deodorant are a plus. It is now okay to play hacky sack again. Anyone seen shopping at The Gap should be mugged in the nearest conveniently inconspicuous alleyway.

- Parents are the new friends. Those known to live with their parents will advance two rungs on the social ladder effective 3/12/05. Secrets and detailed accounts of sexual encounters should now be openly shared with those who birthed you. Please note that stepparents are specifically excluded from this rule, and anyone caught buddying up with grandma or grandpa may find themselves inconveniently audited by the IRS.

- Hard rock is the new pop. Please dispose of all CDs containing boy band music or a person's name (i.e. Kelly Clarkson, etc.). Rap and R&B are accepted but not encouraged. Anyone with the ability to play an electric guitar with heavy distortion will receive a liberal increase in attention from the opposite sex. Indie rockers will be shown little or no respect and occasionally nudged into traffic. Any band that has anything to do with a piano will be shot on sight.

- Stupid and lazy is the new bulimic. Models will need to shake their current disorder in order to replace it with a complete inability to so much as write their own name. This should be an easy transition for most of them. Also, exercise is totally out of the question. Any model who is known to exercise on a regular basis after one month's time will be strapped down and force fed a medium-rare, 17 ounce T-bone steak (which they will NOT be allowed to purge).

- Goth is the new grunge. Black lipstick and fingernail polish will be required at all significant social gatherings, and at least four rings and a leather wristband should be worn at all times. Anyone who does not own a Bauhaus CD should purchase one immediately. Matrix trenchcoats are back. Anyone concealing a compact pistol or a stiletto is to be respected and feared.

- Ninjas are the new biker dudes. For reference material go here.

- "Crazy-go-nuts" is the new correct term to use when referring to someone's insanity.

- Achewood is the new Calvin and Hobbes.

- All references to cash or bling should be replaced with the word "spainch."

- It is still not okay to watch old homeless men fight for money, food, or shelter.

- The New Mustang is the new New Hummer. Anyone owning a Hummer should destroy it as violently as possible.

- Everyone should take a test to determine how many people like them. P.S. Post your scores in my guestbook. It'll be fun, mmmkay?

- Di. Rocks.

- Just kind of letting things vaguely trail off without really wrapping them up is the new way to end a webdiary entry.