We are all out of Marshmallow Peeps.

Here are some insults that I invented for people just like you who always have trouble coming up with good insults until it's too late to use them. You can use these anytime you want but maybe just say my name right after you are done with the insult so people can kind of know where it came from and everything. I know that you will probably just want to take credit for them and I guess that is okay. But if you're using them all the time maybe you should just send me 20 or 30 dollars in the mail. That seems fair to me.

So here's this insult, maybe you could use it on a lawyer or something:
How would you like if I took you to court, buddy? Huh? Maybe like I accuse you of embezzling or something. You can say you're all innocent, but I'm like, whatever he's a liar, and then I pay the jury off to convict you and then you're in prison for two to three years. PS Don't even try to come lookin' for me when you get out, because I will already be long gone and I will change a few letters in my last name so that you cannot ever find me. All this because you are the biggest stupid idiot jerkface.

Here's another one that you might use on that really big guy who is hitting on your girlfriend in the club:
Okay, man, listen, I know people that will have you in a headlock really soon if you can't just leave my female companion alone right now. Darn it, do not make me do this, okay? Alright, I am dialing on my goshdarn cell phone right now and you just get away from me. I am serious, back up. Bouncers! This man is harrassing me! You see what happens when you mess with me, buddy? I will follow you right to the door where they throw you out and you will see me behind this huge wall of bouncer and I will be giving you the middle finger with both hands. Do not even think about waiting for me in the parking lot because I want you to know that there are cameras everywhere in that parking lot and you will go to jail for assault, my friend. I am not even joking about that, you will be sued for punitive damages. I do NOT drive a '92 Honda.

Here is one I used on this stupid idiot police officer who decided that she could pull me over for supposedly running a red light that was completely yellow when I went through it:
Hey, listen, it is not my fault that your mother was always slapping you on your face and ears with a wooden spoon or a windshield wiper blade when you were a kid. I know you think you are the bigshot goshdarnit top dog with your shiny little badge there, sweetie, but that is just not the truth because I have rights too, do you understand that? It is okay for me to tell you that you are probably stupid even if you think you can file a false report on me and say that I allegedly assaulted you just because I am holding this Swiss Army knife while I am driving along at least ten miles under the speed limit. I am not going to curse at you but I want you to know that I have some really good ones in my head right now and I am thinking about you too, maybe that makes you mad but you cannot hit me because then I can defend myself and I will perform a citizen's arrest on you. You probably wish you had not even pulled me over now. That's because you are a stupid idiot who probably did not even learn to drive until you were 17 and I bet you still live with your mommy and she even tucks you in at night and then you pretend to sleep but when she leaves you just lay there in the dark and keep crying until you throw up. I'm sure it is hard for you to admit those things but that is okay because I am here for you, Nancy, and this was just an honest mistake so you just get back in your car and drive away now.

This is an insult I invented for if you are teenager and you have that one parent who is not getting up off of you ever:
Maybe you need to start watching the news more often. If you watched the news you would know that kids can divorce their parents now and they can just go live whereever they want to, like with me I might choose to live in a crack house where the man on the top floor is always screaming and the carpets have weird stains or perhaps I would like to move in with that nice European family down the road who always come outside without any clothes on in the mornings. Then every day I could be in their front yard naked and I would yell really loud that you're just a big fag. I would yell this so loud that everyone on the block would hear me and I bet they would think, "He's right, his dad is totally a fag." They know you're a fag because I told them about all the things you do that are faggy. Like, why are you even married to my stepmom? Is that so you will not have to tell everyone that you just love making out with other men? Is that why I have a curfew? So that I will not see you sneaking out at night to be with one of the nine boyfriends that you have? Maybe you should go buy a big book about parenting that will teach you how not to suck at it.

The next insult would be a good one to use if you met a really famous person who you were not particularly fond of:
Hold up there, Captain, I've got a few things I'm gonna need to say to you and yes you gaping A-hole I do need to say it right here in front of all of these press people. You are going to need to tell your pigfaced moron of a bodyguard to step off my brouhaha and go play with his Lincoln Logs for a minute. I just wanted you to know about how I have been writing to you for almost 3 years about how my great-grandma is in the hospital and she has been dying really slowly and painfully for a long time now. She says that she cannot pass on until she has your autograph and that is all she ever wanted in her whole life, I mean it would be a bonus if you would stop by her room for a minute and say some rap lyrics but whatever. Now her heart is broken and I think you should know that it's all your fault and now she is probably never going to die forever and she will just live like some sort of freaking crone until she gets so old that parts of her are always just falling off. What is really horrible is that she is just a liability and everyone in my family hates her, she even shot my mom a few years back, and now because of you we are never even going to get some good inheritance money from her. Maybe you never even read my letters and I'm betting that's because you were in some Third World country buying a sweatshop and picking out which of your child laborers you were going to transfer from your oil rig in the Pacific. That is pathetic because you are a multi-millionaire and I only asked you if I could borrow a measly ten grand that I promised to pay back. The only reason that I kept threatening to kill you in those letters is because I wanted you to see how badly I needed the money, and I did not mean to kill your dog with that poison I just thought he would get sick and you would understand that I meant business. And those calls I made to your agent where I said that I had kidnapped his wife, that was just a joke and maybe you should both lighten up a little. So why don't you and your model girlfriend who's probably slept with like 40 people just get in your fancy limo that I did not rig with a bomb and drive away. Just remember that you are the worst actor I have ever seen and I bet everyone secretly hates you.

This is an insult you can write in my guestbook after reading this entry:
OMG man that is the stupidest crap I have ever read in my whole life and Im 12 so you know what that is bunk. I have a insult for you how about set a popsicle on fire and then stick in you ear what do you think of that. you probably do not think anything about it because you're brain is retarded. I have this freind in the fourth grade, ok, he is my brother and he could even beat you up becuz your a sissy and I bet your a nerd too. What is wrong with u saying stuf about peeps dads becuz dude Im sorry your dad is like that but mine is awsum and maybe u need to go get theripy or sumthin. ROTFLMAO at how your an idiot.