This test will determine how many people like you.

Let's begin.

1. The best idea that anyone ever came up with is not:
A) Polka
B) Death, in a very nonspecific sort of way
C) Those things that hold your mouth open while the dentist cuts you all over the place inside of your mouth, which is like the most delicately painful place to be cut, which makes you hate your dentist, because he obviously worships the devil in his free time
D) Stuff that gets moldy
E) Snakes
F) Anything that can or will melt
G) Escaped convicts
H) Jell-o commercials starring that one guy who seems to constantly be having an aneurysm, I think he had a TV show or something

2. The baby is crying. He is trying to tell you that:
A) You are starving him to death
B) The couch has been replaced by a shape-shifting spaceman that may or may not be from Venus
C) That suede ensemble is just not working for you
D) The cat is not sleeping; the cat is dead
E) He has some important questions for you about your current internet service provider
F) You should take him out of the crib sweet Jesus there are demons in the crib with him
G) He is not a Polaroid picture (he realizes that you might not get this joke)

3. Instructions to the local pizza place are as follows:
A) You need to go forwards for a while then maybe you should make a left
B) Just go down the street with the pink elephant that is not really there
C) You can't remember because the leaves are in the trees and the trees have a thing or two to say about that
D) Just keep going west for like two or three hours until you forget what is going on and try not to run out of gas in the bad neighborhoods
E) I forgot to mention that you are on piles of drugs including some primo Latvian smack

4. There's Greg, laying on the floor in front of you, and he's bleeding all over the place. Obviously you need to:
A) Tell Greg to apply pressure to the wound and hotfoot it before the cops show up
B) Siphon some gas from the neighbor's BMW and use it to set Greg aflame
C) Take a leisurely stroll through the nearby car graveyard and forget that you ever saw anything, in fact, you're starting to believe that it never really happened
D) Bribe the maid to keep her fat mouth shut
E) Drive up by Century Hospital and push Greg out as you go by
F) Put Greg in the hammock and hope he heals up okay

5. The waiter would like to inform you that you have a choice of beef, chicken or shrimp. You choose:
A) Beef
B) To punch the waiter in the hip
C) Pikachu
D) Baked Alaska
E) Basically anything that they will give you containing alcohol, because it will nicely complement the eight and a half Tequila Sunrises you plan to knock back before hitting the boardwalk

6. You have four dollars and three cents. You're on your way to buy:
A) Some dude's gall bladder from your friend Jeff
B) A giant corn dog twice the size of your brain, which in retrospect is perhaps not saying much
C) A Corgi with a salvage title

7. In the dream, you are surrounded by superintelligent alien ants. The ants:
A) Just want to borrow your soul for a minute, so lighten up bro
B) Need you to fill out this important paperwork as accurately as possible
C) Are conducting a survey and are very interested in your opinions
D) Probably aren't gay, but that one in the corner is making you a little nervous because it keeps just staring at you and doing something with its thorax
E) Would like to replace your blood with Kool Aid just to see if it kills you really fast, because human life is a joke to them and they don't really understand that you've got kids to take care of, dammit
F) Are dressing you up like Captain Kangaroo in preparation for something that is almost guaranteed to be humiliating

8. You are trapped in a room with:
A) No windows and no doors
B) Keanu Reeves and a board with a nail in it
C) All those books you've been meaning to read and just haven't had time for
D) Four million Canadians reciting the Kama Sutra word for word
E) That sweaty guy from the bus station who won't stop staring at you
F) A mirror and a light switch that doesn't work unless you're screaming
G) A Macintosh computer and the only thing on it is that frigging game Myst and let's face it, that is not going to entertain you for very long before you start getting sort of pissed
H) The ghost of someone completely unimportant
I) That dog from the Family Guy and a six pack of Diet Rite soda

9. You're hanging over the ledge and you're losing your grip on it. It is:
A) That stupid kid you've been trying to save for like a month now from all these different near-death situations
B) This month's Wired
C) A blueprint for a machine that could work for time travel but will probably just warm people up a little bit if they're cold
D) A monkey that is hanging on to another identical monkey that is hanging on to yet another identical monkey and this continues for quite some time
E) A picture of Dan Quayle that you bought on eBay that has his autograph on it, and what's funny about that is he spelled Quayle with an "i" instead of a "y" because apparently he is an idiot
F) Some sheet metal that you were using to tan with
G) A briefcase full of something really important like tube socks and there's lotion all over the handle by some strange twist of fate

10. That's the doorbell ringing but they're just going to have to wait because:
A) 24 is on
B) That guy pointing the gun at you shakes his head to indicate that you should not move
C) You've superglued yourself to the kitchen counter for the fourth time this week
D) You're in the shower singing along to Nat King Cole and there is some amazing dancing going on right now
E) It's probably just Sharon Osborne again, asking if she can borrow a lit match and a week-old half-eaten apple pie

Let tally your scores! Each letter is assigned a certain point value.
A: 2,000
B: -150
C: 7.76
D: the square root of 79 + X
E: basically just any random number
F: if you chose an F you basically just lose instantly
G: Pi
H: number of letters in the word anthropomorphism
I: look up the population of Pittsburg, Kansas and this is your point value for I

Add these numbers up to receive your Total Likeability Index and then compare it to the chart posted below.

-1,500 to 0: Basically the story here is that you're hated by everyone in the entire world. Everywhere you go things are thrown at you and I'm sure you've been beaten unconcious more times than you can really count. I am sorry that it has to be this way for you. Maybe you did something really bad in a past life.

1 to 100: My guess is that you're a really laid back guy or gal and that you have at least 18 people who admire you so much that it almost makes you sick and sometimes you just wish they would go home already, and quit using your Tivo as an excuse to come over.

101 to 2,305: People in this group probably aren't around to read this because most of them have been eaten by crocodiles by now or at the very least shot out a cannon into a flaming vat of petrol.

2,306 to 2,309: People in this group almost always win the lottery right before they die. So at least you'll get to have some friends for a day or two. Even if they're just looking for a Last Living Will And Testament shout-out.

2,310 to 8,605.461 This is your average Dick Smith or Jane Doe. They have the normal amount of friends and the normal amount of everything else as well and they die at a normal age of a normal cause. That is so friggin' boring. Give me a massive, flaming coronary while cliff-diving into rocks any day.

8,605.462 to 21,002 People in this category just want be loved and they will let you know by fawning all up over your junk until you are ready to serve them up a stiff ear smack on the rocks. You will tell them politely to step up off your rad chilies but they are not having that jive from you and they will continue trying to love you until a train comes by and finally, mercifully, carries them into the afterlife at speeds of 35 to 40 miles per hour. For British people: that is not very fast, okay?

21,003+: You possess some sort of strange psychic ability to bend others to your will. You snap your fingers, and that butler is up in your grill in like five seconds flat, all begging you not to hurt him and to spare his family and please don't make him water the ficus again because he's not that good with gardening and he knows that really pisses you off. But you tell him not to worry, because no matter what he does, it's just going to piss you off. You explain to him that basically you are just looking for an excuse to screw around with him, because he has this harelip thing going on and it sort of freaks you out. People who score higher than 21,003 are usually politicians or Martha Stewart.

If you liked this test, or even if perhaps you think that I am some sort of wino, maybe you should go out and tell all of your friends about it and have them come take it. Like right now. Okay?